I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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