She said her name was "party"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
