booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
