i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
