mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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