Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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