youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The Olympian is in my bed
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
