So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Shame is for Republicans.
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