This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
