so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
