just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need to calm my uterus...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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