your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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