I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
