I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
