So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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