I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
