I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
