Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
