And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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