saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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