Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
