you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
