Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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