if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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