I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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