I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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