I smell stomach acid.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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