News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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