why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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