i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
