Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
