Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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