Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How external is "for external use only"?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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