Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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