we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
