I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
