sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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