my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
