I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
