I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
