She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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