I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
