Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
