took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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