my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
