I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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