i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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