I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
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