my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
