this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
