I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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