What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
